don’t believe everything you think. really!
Many people come to therapy to learn how to change their negative thoughts to positive ones. I was the same way when I started counseling. I was so tired of feeling bad about myself and feeling inadequate in every way. What I have learned is that thoughts are just thoughts! Trying to change or control them is an uphill battle and will actually increase your struggle.
To explain this concept, I ask my clients to come up with an unusual image—a purple hippo, for example—and to concentrate on that image for a minute, or two. Then, I ask them to forget about that image and to stop thinking about it AT ALL. Sometimes, teen clients will say that they were able to successfully do so but most people fail to “unthink” about their image. It’s the same with those thoughts that are running around in our heads. If only it were that easy!
When we have a critical or anxious or hopeless thought, it would be wonderful to just stop thinking it. Since we cannot, learning to “unhook” or step away from our thoughts in order to observe them, we can accept that thoughts are JUST THOUGHTS!
The first step is to change your own language. Instead of thinking, “I am anxious,” say (in your head), “I am noticing that I’m having an anxious thought.” By treating yourself as a person who is having a thought rather than identifying yourself as that thought (“I AM anxious.”), you can begin to believe that a thought is just a thought.
The second thing to learn is that all thoughts are okay to have. It’s okay to feel insecure, scared, ugly, hopeless, beautiful, superior, or angry. Having thoughts does not mean you have to act on them. We cannot control our thoughts but they do not have to control us.
The next step is to identify what matters to you in life. For example, you may enjoy spending a lot of your time getting together with friends. By focusing on things you care about, like friendship and connection, you identifying a value that you can use to live how you like, in spite of your anxious (or critical or hopeless) thoughts.
Putting it all together is the hard but rewarding part. If I have the thought, “I always say stupid things,” my knee-jerk reaction would be to stay at home and avoid meeting people. But, what happens if important an value of mine is social connection?!?! Obviously, if I do what feels safest, I will be happy in the short-term by staying home. Sadly, at the same time, I will not be gaining the friendships I crave and the more I avoid meeting people, the harder it becomes. Life satisfaction occurs when we take steps (no matter how small) toward our goals. If I learn to recognize that I am simply a person having the thought, ‘I always say stupid things,’ I can decide to not allow that thought to control me. I can choose to think, “I having that thought but if I listen to it, I won’t have the friends I desire. I am going to text someone I haven’t talked to in a while.” With each step, the negative thoughts lose their power and it becomes easier to live and move in the direction of what you want out of life.