we are all STILL columbine 25 years later

On April 20th, 1999, I was sitting in my office at a Denver ad agency when, all of the sudden, the man in the office next to mine ran out of the building. His kids attended Columbine High School and there had been a mass shooting. It was the first major school shooting the world had ever experienced. There were so many casualties—13 innocent victims were shot dead and 21 were injured—but it was being reported on the local and national media outlets, 24/7. Each victim’s backstory was so broadly shared that I felt like I personally knew them. Their grieving families were frequently seen on tv, speaking out about what happened and sharing their grief. I was glued to my tv and the shooting was all everyone talked about. It was impossible not to feel affected. I plunged into a bout of severe depression for which I sought therapy and medication. I’m certain I was not alone.

The feeling in the community was similar to how the nation felt after 9/11—utter disbelief and a shared sense of mutual kindness between friends and strangers, alike. I was 32 years old. But, for anyone born that year or since, this has been their normal, and  kids and parents have lived in fear of it happening at their schools. Each time there is another shooting, their fears are refreshed, even if they have no connection to the recent victims.

Of course, this is also true after the shooting that occurred at the end of the Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl Champions parade and rally on Valentine’s Day of this year. In less than a week, I have had to help two adolescent clients process their grief. It's hard to know how to help ourselves process the countless emotions that arise after a tragic event, How in the world can we help our children who have never known a world without shootings?!?!

Below are some tips and guidelines from the American Counseling Association, the American Psychiatric Association, and the American Academy of Pediatrics:

coping in the aftermath of a shooting

Attend to self care. While it may seem counterintuitive to think about taking care of yourself first, you cannot be of service to others if you are unstable. Monitor all of your physical health needs - being sure to eat, sleep, exercise, and (if possible) maintain a normal daily routine.

Pay attention to your emotional health. Remember that a wide range of feelings during these difficult times are common. Know that others are also experiencing emotional reactions and may need your time and patience to put their feelings and thoughts in order.

Try to recognize when you or those around you may need extra support. It is not uncommon for individuals of all ages to experience stress reactions when exposed (even through media) to shootings or mass violence. Changes in eating and sleeping habits, energy level, and mood are important signs of distress. Watch for regressed behaviors, such as clinging in children and intense emotional reactions, such as anxiety or a strong need for retribution in adults. When necessary, point individuals to licensed professional counselors who can provide needed support.

Avoid overexposure to media. While it is important to stay informed, media portrayals of shootings and mass deaths have been shown to cause acute stress and posttraumatic stress symptoms. Limit your exposure and take a break from news sources.

Maintain contact with friends and family. These individuals can provide you with emotional support to help deal with difficult times.

Focus on your strength base. Maintain practices that you have found to provide emotional relief. Remind yourself of people and events which are meaningful and comforting.

Talk to others as needed. It is important to ask for help if you are having trouble recovering and everyday tasks seem difficult to manage.

how to talk to children about shootings: an age by age guide

When a horrific event happens, again and again, what do we tell our children? The sinking feeling is too familiar: When mass shootings occur, parents have to figure out how to talk to their children about violence.

There’s no one way to address tragedies with children, and how parents approach it depends both on the child’s age and temperament. The American Psychiatric Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics recommend avoiding the topic with children until they reach a certain age — around 8, but again, it depends on the child.

“If it doesn’t directly affect your family, kids under 8 do not need to hear about this,” said Dr. Deborah Gilboa, a parenting expert. Before this age, children struggle to process it.

But parents should talk to their younger children about mass shootings if they are at risk of hearing it from others, she said.

While advice varies by age, Gilboa provided a general recommendation for all parents faced with telling their children about the latest mass shooting.

“First, you have to process your own emotional response. What you do will affect them more than what you say,” she said. “Have your first reaction away from your child.”

She also provided the following recommendations for sharing bad news with children of all ages.

preschool and kindergarten: a one sentence story

“You have to figure out before you talk to them what story you want them to tell themselves,” she said.

With young children, Gilboa recommended that parents keep their stories simple. These stories should reinforce parents’ beliefs. Perhaps, parents want their children to know that a bad person hurt people. Maybe parents want their children to know that someone with a serious illness felt angry and hurt people.

“You are going to give a one-sentence story to anyone under 6,” she said.

This might be a chance to change the conversation, too. Try to focus on the positives, such as the heroes of the story.

elementary school children: shield them

Again, parents need to decide on the takeaway message. Children in this age group will ask many more interrogative questions and parents need to decide how much they want to share.

Gilboa stressed that parents should prevent their children from seeing pictures or the news because the images will stick with children longer than words. If children do see pictures, she recommended that parents show their children positive photos to counteract the negative.

“Let’s see if we can replace those memories and balance it out by showing the positives and the amazing people who rushed to help,” she said.

tweens: listen to their feelings

Start the conversation by asking tweens if they heard about the latest shooting.

“If you are going to talk (about) a fraught or laden topic … you start with a pretest. You are going to ask how they feel about it,” Gilboa said.

If they have heard of it, listen to their feelings. If they haven’t heard of it, parents have an opportunity to share their beliefs while gaining better insight into their tweens.

“(This becomes) a great conversation of their values and your values that do not focus on the particular gore (but) more on the person you are raising,” she said.

teens: look for solutions

Again, Gilboa said parents should ask their teens if they have heard of the latest tragedy and allow them to share their feelings.

But teenagers will expect more.

“Teenagers are looking for hypocrisy and solutions and this generation believes in collaboration and social justice. And they are going to ask ‘What are you doing,’” she said. “You can answer and then ask ‘What are you doing? What would you like to do? What can we do together?'”

Teaching teenagers to work toward change will help them be resilient, she said. She stressed that parents still need to listen to their teens’ feelings and display empathy.

“I think for anyone action makes us feel effective,” Gilboa said. “What we want our kids to do when (they) see something wrong is to try to fix it.”

Sources: Counseling.com Coping in the Aftermath of a Shooting